It’s four answers to four questions. Here we go…
1. My interviewer mocked my speech impediment
I recently had a job interview that was extremely unpleasant. I won’t go into the details, but suffice it to say, there were so many red flags that the conference room was practically shrouded in a crimson miasma. I’m writing to share what was, to me, the most egregious moment. When I introduced myself to the hiring manager, she promptly blurted out: “Where are you from, Rhode Island? (imitating (me?)) Look at Missusth Daffy Ducky speakth through her teef.”
I’ve never been to Rhode Island, for the record. I don’t sound remotely like I’m from Rhode Island. I have no idea how Rhode Island plays into all this. Was she conflating “Looney Tunes” with “Family Guy?” The mind boggles. Anyway…
My speech is pretty unusual and distinctive. I had a severe speech impediment when I was a kid. Speech therapy tamed the worst of it, but I still have a mild lisp and probably will for the rest of my life. It is definitely noticeable, but nothing that prevents me from speaking clearly and coherently. I’ve actually done very well in roles that required a lot of public speaking, possibly because I’m so used to putting in conscious effort to enunciate clearly and carefully! I certainly don’t sound like Daffy Duck.
Complicating things further, I had a very transient upbringing — I grew up not only in numerous states but also in several foreign countries (think military). As a result, I have a bizarre patchwork accent that people can’t place easily.
So, yeah, I sound weird. I KNOW I sound weird. It’s my biggest insecurity. Not coincidentally, I’ve always felt most comfortable in diverse, multinational workplaces where there are all kinds of accents and English-speaking abilities. About half of my coworkers at my last workplace were immigrants, mostly from India and China. So nobody cared that I had an accent, or that I sometimes struggled with pronouncing English words perfectly — I was in good company!
Obviously, I have no intention in pursuing this position further. But should I report this interaction to the company? If it was just me, I would shrug it off. But I know it can’t just be me! For one, I can’t imagine this hiring manager treats immigrants or even American-born POC decently, let alone fairly. If that’s how she treats people who don’t have a generic, bog-standard Midwestern accent, I wonder now if she would have even interviewed me if it weren’t for my white-sounding name. Moreover, I feel like singling out my speech impediment with that ugly little Daffy Duck impersonation must be an ADA violation of some kind … right? I sure don’t feel like I was treated fairly.
Could you clarify this for me? Typing it all out, the answer feels like an obvious “yes, report it” to me. But I there’s a very loud and mean part of me saying “shit happens, so get over it, ya weird lisping-hybrid-mutant-accent-having freak.”
Yes, please report it; this is awful. Not only was she cavalierly cruel for no reason, but it (a) raises a ton of questions about how she treats candidates who are different in other ways too, as you point out and (b) opens the company to legal liability under the Americans with Disabilities Act (because if you wanted to argue that she didn’t hire you because of your speech impediment, she handed you a lot of ammunition). She’s also apparently profoundly ignorant about how to treat people, which is a problem in anyone but particularly a problem in a manager, interviewer, and person representing the company.
You could frame it as, “I want to share with you why I’m withdrawing from this hiring process and hope this is not how you want your interviewers treating people with disabilities.”
2. I’m having a baby unconventionally — how do I talk about it at work?
I’m coming up at the point of wanting children, some time in the next 2/3 years. However, I do not have a partner and don’t anticipate getting one in that time frame. I have prepared to go it alone and have made financial and housing plans accordingly. My intention is to have a baby using a sperm donor, through the clinic that I choose, so I won’t know them. In addition, I do not plan to use my own eggs. There are many very generous couples who donate eggs or even embryos so that other people can have children, too.
I have chosen this for a specific reason: I am neurodivergent — specifically, autism and ADHD. The genes in my family for these are strong and in hindsight many members of my immediate family could very well have been diagnosed had it been accessible to them. The blunt truth is, I do not want to pass this onto my child. I know it is partly selfish — I was a difficult child, despite being academically gifted — and partly because it would not be fair to have a child knowing that they are likely to continue our family tree with all the difficult “quirks” we possess. I am an adult who has learned to live with these conditions — I have a job, I am successful in it, etc. so I am not incapable — but I want to break this genetic legacy.
How do I explain to the people I work with that a) this child will not be genetically mine and b) I don’t want to have a child of my own? It will not be likely that I can conceal the first part — as embryos are donated, the child may not match my ethnicity and appearance. And I don’t want to spend time justifying why I chose this. Oh, and c) how do I explain to people that yes, autistic people want to be parents, and they may do it unconventionally but it doesn’t make them less of a parent or mean their child is worse off?
My workplace is generally positive and diverse — I work in a department that attracts the neurodivergence like flies to honey — but people don’t always think before they speak, and there is a lot of criticism for parents who are not … typical in the media which I worry could impact their perspective of me. I’m not sure how to address this with both my managers (during my IVF journey and afterwards) and with my colleagues in a way that is positive but also firm in my decision?
You actually don’t need to share most of that! Not because there’s anything shameful about any of it, but because it’s no one’s business, especially at work. You are simply having a child (and then later, you simply have a child). No one is entitled to know whether your child’s origins were through IVF or sex, or whether you used your own eggs or not, or where the donor sperm came from, or any of it!
You’re simply excited to share that you are having a child. That’s it! If anyone asks about the father, you can say, “I’ll be raising the baby on my own.” Colleagues don’t need to know whether that means IVF, or a relationship that didn’t last, or a father who chose not to be involved. (Obviously if there are specific people who you’re close to who you choose to share details with, that’s different — and you can let your comfort level and the relationship be your guide there.)
If anyone is rude enough to comment on your child not looking like you, you’re under no obligation to answer their questions … and you’d probably find it helpful to delve into the writing of parents from mixed race and adoptive families about how they choose to field intrusive questions about their kids.
3. I’m a remote manager and nervous about a private meeting on my staff members’ calendars
I am a remote manager and my staff is on-site. I am six months into this position and this is the first time using this model.
I have been in my profession for 20 years, but this current job is very different than what I was doing previously so there is a lot to learn. I am not aware of any issues, but today I noticed my only two staff members had a private appointment scheduled at the same time. My boss’s calendar (also on-site) was also busy during that time but I can’t see it so I don’t know exactly what it said.
Of course, in my mind it was them meeting with him and I’m stressed about it. Do I try and get it out of my head and let it go, or what should I do? I don’t want to ask my staff what the appointment was, so I don’t know that there is anything I can do.
There are lots of reasons their calendars could have been blocked off at the same time that don’t portend anything bad for you — anything from collaborating on a mundane project together, to planning a surprise party for the guy in accounting, to simple coincidence that means nothing at all. Your boss also might do a routine check-in with your staff about how things are going, which is a smart thing for bosses to do from time to time, especially when there’s a new manager in the mix (but even when there’s not).
But to indulge your worry a bit: What’s your sense of how things have been going? How do you think your team members think things have been going? And then … what are you basing that on? If you don’t really know how they think things are going, you could take this as impetus to check in with them more often, talk about what they need and how you can support them, and ensure that you’re cultivating an environment where they can be reasonably candid with you. On the other hand, if you feel you have a good sense of their perspectives and are fairly confident they don’t see significant problems, it makes sense to relax about what the calendar entries,, figure it’s unlikely to be a problem for you (and if is, you’ll presumably know soon enough), and trust that there are a ton of other things that could account for it.
Related:
my boss called a mysterious meeting with me and I’m afraid I’m going to be fired
4. We’re reimbursed less than the federal mileage rate
I work at a nonprofit. We are currently getting $.58 per mile reimbursed. I am one of a handful of employees that travels frequently to other sites to work. I would say I reimburse about 1,200 miles per year.
I recently brought up to our GM that we’re not getting the federal rate ($.67). He said it was probably just outdated, and we would look at aligning with the federal rate. However, our ED says that we’re a nonprofit so we can offer whatever we want for reimbursement. What say you? I know it’s not illegal, but how would the staff counter this?
Your ED is right that they can offer whatever mileage reimbursement rate they want, but it’s not because they’re a nonprofit. Private employers aren’t required to reimburse mileage at all (except in California, Illinois, and Massachusetts) so if they choose to, they can set the mileage rate at whatever they want.
That said, you and your coworkers could point out that the federal mileage rate is calculated to represent your actual costs (not only gas, but the wear and tear to your vehicle) and argue that employees shouldn’t be out money simply for performing their work duties.